Relying on systems vs. relationships

12/13/24

When I sat down to write "When You Knew Your Neighbors," I began by closing my eyes and sifting through hundreds of my own memories for the ones that brought me the most nostalgia. Then, I narrowed those down to the ones that made me feel connected to others. Not surprisingly, none of them involved smart phones, iPads, or even computers. But, that was normal for the time during which I grew up when most of these things didn't even exist. 

My memories were steeped in the days of dial up internet, floppy disks, walkman cd’s, and tape recorders. I also remember people stopping by unannounced, roaming the neighborhood with friends for hours on end, and forming spur-of-the-moment street-hockey teams by knocking on doors and rounding up kids. Do those things happen anymore? It seems like most kids are too entranced by the content the algorithms are showing them to even think about putting that much effort into having fun. 

The data that I’ve heard experts discuss tells us that this isn’t good news. Not surprising, of course.

But, don’t worry, this isn’t an anti-smart phone rant. I love technology and I think it has opened doors for people that otherwise would have been impenetrable. 

What I really want to talk about is something I notice in our culture that is so subtle it’s hardly noticeable, yet I believe is contributing heavily to our continued disconnection and isolation. 

It's our ever-growing reliance on systems rather than on each other, and the impact that this has on our sense of community and connection to one another. 

What is the first thing you do now when you need to call a plumber for a clogged pipe? 

You pull out your phone and load up the the state-of-the-art search system that Google created, type “plumbers near me” and wait about .5 seconds for about a billion results.

About 20 years ago, you’d call your mom, dad, uncle, grandpa, neighbor, etc. And they might call their plumber friend or their friend who knows the plumber to ask if they’re available. And maybe one of those phone calls would result in two people chatting for an hour, catching up, and end in an invitation to dinner or coffee. It was one more catalyst to create opportunities for everyone involved to interact with someone else; to add a drop to their connection buckets. 

It's also worth mentioning that when you click on the link in the search results, it will take you to a form half the time. Or, that when the plumber comes we do everything in our power to avoid interacting with them until they leave. Then, we pay online. 

This is just one small example of how the systems we have created to make life easier - which they absolutely deliver on in some ways - are also making like far more lonely, which, you could argue, actually makes life…harder?

Every system we have that replaces the need to actually interact with someone exponentially reduces the number of drops in our respective connection buckets, beyond what we can even comprehend. 20 plus years of this has created a ripple effect so strong that we are now seeing the waves start to come back toward us, and they are not waves we want to be riding. 

Rates of depression and loneliness are on the rise, especially among adolescents. People are unknowingly addicted to their devices. Kids don’t know how to talk to each other. 

At our very core, humans are wired for connection. We not only need one another, but we thrive with one another. And with the way things are right now, it seems that we are losing our humanity a little more each day.

It’s no surprise that this is more prevalent in western cultures where there is more infrastructure and technology-driven economies. 

In places like Egypt, India, and Pakistan, where families and communities are still at the heart of life, while there may be fewer luxuries or even lack of basics, there is a lot more connection and belonging. And people are happier overall.

With late stage capitalism in full effect, is there a way back?

People talk of living in communes and homesteading. Is it enough to keep the train from running off the tracks? No one knows. My guess is probably not.

The scariest thing about all of this is that it’s incredibly subtle. We become more and more accustomed to this “systems” way of life each day, so much so that it’s starting to actually feel foreign to interact with someone unless you absolutely have to. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve “met” new people without anyone actually exchanging names. 

How did we get to a place where someone showing up at your door unannounced is literally cause for concern? 

I don’t have the answer for any of this - I’m not sure there is just one answer. And I certainly am not saying I have this all figured out or that I’m unscathed by this systems world we live in. I google shit all the time. 

All I know is that I have control over my own time and my own thumbs, and that conversations change things. 

So, maybe for now, let’s keep talking - preferably over a real cup of coffee in a real location.

Let’s keep talking, and meeting, and connecting. And maybe we can start to make our way back, somehow.